Grudge
Match
By
Bradley Sands
Note:
This story is set about fifty years in the future.
Page 1 (three panels)
Panel 1
Establishing
shot inside sports stadium. A
middle-aged man-- wearing a suit, expensive shoes covered in mud, and an
obvious toupee--stands in the middle of a wrestling ring (complete with ropes),
speaking into a microphone that is hanging from the ceiling. A concrete floor surrounds the ring.
The
stands are filled with many spectators of different nationalities. Their clothing is shiny, brightly colored,
sporty, and futuristic looking.
Announcer
This
match is for the Petroleum Championship of the World and is scheduled for one
fall!
ANNOUNCER2
Introducing
first, the challenger...
PANEL 2
Switch
to a shrub with facial features walking down the aisle, wearing a robe (the
back of it says "SHRUB"), and wielding a pair of pruning sheers in
his outstretched green hands. Fans
around him are clapping, sneering, cheering, shouting angrily, throwing
vegetables at him, etc.
ANNOUNCER
(O.S.)
The
myth, the legend, the contender voted most dangerous shrubbery alive by the
British,
ANNOUNCER3
The
President of the United States!
Panel 3
Switch
to a mustache (resembling Saddam Hussein's) walking down the opposite
aisle. The fans are doing similar
things as in the last panel.
ANNOUNCER
(O.S.)
And
his opponent, the Sultan of Swagger, the guru of gore,
ANNOUNCER2
the
President of Iraq!
PAGE 2 (five panels)
Panel 1
Long
shot of the ring. The mustache (the
bottom of him covered in mud) is
jumping off the top rope towards the shrub.
A referee, a sentient scud missile dressed in a striped referee uniform
is standing on the opposite side of the participants. The shrub's hedge clippers are lying in he corner of the ring (on
the opposite side of the ropes), next to a water bottle.
Among
the spectators, a few rows back, an old man--wearing a pair of worn, faded blue
jeans--stands out in the crowd. He is
watching the match, looking mildly disgusted, as he is talking with the time
traveler -- a twenty-something male, wearing shorts, a white T-shirt, a leather
jacket, and a set of goggles on his forehead--- who sits next to the old man,
looking at him. In the row behind them,
an American with a cowboy hat (drinking beer) and an Iraqi wearing a turban are
sitting next to each other and watching the match.
Old
man
I
remember the old days when presidential elections actually meant something.
Old
man2
Voting
for a genetically engineered shrub? The
voters think they're a bunch of stand-up comedians.
Old
man3
Don't
blame me. I voted for Nader.
Old
man4
What
do you think of this spectacle, son?
Panel 2
Pull
in for a CU of old man looking at the travel, who is watching the match. The American has dropped a cup of beer, and
the liquid is falling near the traveler's head
Traveler
It's
all new to me. I'm not exactly from
around these parts.
Old
man
Where
you from?
TRAVELER2
The
year 2003. It was sort of dull and
drab, with the war against Iraq and all, so I decided to see what was happening
around hereabouts.
TRAVELER3
I
built a time machine by following a list of instructions I bought on the internet
for five bucks.
Panel 3
The
traveler effortlessly dodges the spilled beer.
The cup has fallen to the ground.
traveler
You
guys have a good thing going here.
traveler2
In
my time, our President was bombing the hell out of Iraq to take Saddam Hussein
out of power. He couldn't care less about the
innocent people that got in his way.
traveler3
This
way seems a tad more civilized. No one
gets hurt, besides those that deserve it.
Old
man
I
forgot all about that. So much as
happened since then that it's become inconsequential.
Panel 4
Pull
back a bit. In the row behind the
conversationalists, the American and Iraqi are engaged in a mock fight, wearing
oversized red boxing gloves. Big smiles
are on both of their faces.
traveler
Remember? A bunch of people seemed to think that the
war was all about getting more sources for oil.
traveler2
That
Bush was just trying to make himself and other rich guys some bucks.
Traveler3
A
lot of them were on the verge of knocking on death's door. I never understood why they cared so much
about getting richer.
Panel 5
Pull
back to show the ring. The traveler
looks shocked. The American and Iraqi
are shaking hands. The shrub is
punching out the mustache with an extended fist.
OLD
MAN
WE
FOUND OUT THE SOLUTION TO THAT A FEW YEARS LATER.
OLD
MAN2
THE
NATIONAL ENQUIRER BECAME A RESPECTABLE NEWSPAPER WHEN THEY BROKE THE STORY.
Character3
They
found out that the wealthy one percent were actually immortal, shape-shifting
reptoid aliens.
OLD
MAN4
Think
about it. NO AMOUNT OF MONEY IS TOO
MUCH IF YOU can LIVE FOREVER.
Page 3 (four panels)
Panel 1
Long
shot of a few young protesters running down the aisle towards the ring with
their fists in the air. They are holding
up signs that says "NO MUD FOR OIL!", "CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO
GODLINESS", and "FOR PEACE!
STOP THE MUD SLINGING!".
One protester (holding a sign) is addressing the crowd. A few people in the crowd are taking their
pictures.
Inside
the ring, both participants are covered in mud. The mustache, with whiskers shaped as feet, has hit the shrub
with a dropkick. The referee is
standing next to them.
Protester
I'M
DOING THIS TO commemorate how the u.S. invasion of iraq was stopped by my
father and his fellow protesters in 2004.
PANEL 2
Pull-in
on the ring. The shrub is down on the
ground. The mustache is standing above
him while he smears mud in the shrub's face.
The protester (who spoke in the previous panel) is standing on the ring
from the opposite side of the ropes, and has hit the referee on "the
head" with his sign.
PANEL 3
The
mustache has the shrub pinned on the mat and is slapping his hand on the ground
as he looks at the referee, lying unconscious beside him, in confusion.
Large,
muscular security men are chasing the protesters away from the ring. One of them stomps on a fallen sign as he
runs after them. A few protesters are
still carrying their signs, but they aren't holding them above their heads,
only carrying them as they flee.
Mustache
One,
two, three.
Mustache2
C'mon
ref! Wake up!
Panel 4
The
mustache has gotten off the shrub and is pouring water on the referee, using
the water bottle that was lying in the corner of the ring. The referee has woken up. The shrub is starting to get himself up.
NO
COPY
Page 4
Panel one
Medium
shot of ring. The shrub is holding the
mustache tightly in his arms as he climbs the top rope. The mustache is struggling to free
himself.
An
angry male thirty-something is standing out of his seat in the front row, as he
shouts, accidently spitting, and waving an American flag. Next to him, a woman is sitting. She is watching the match and trying to
ignore him, although his spittle is hitting her in full force.
Man
I've
read about proper wars in the history books, and this is an insult to the
American way of life.
Woman
No
one's listening.
Man2
War
used to be the most the greatest time in a soldier's life.
Man3
Thinking
that every day might be you're last.
They had a heightened sense of living.
Man4
I
regret that I wasn't alive back then. I
would've enlisted.
Panel 2
The
shrub is jumping off the top rope with the mustache in his arms. They are
headed toward the concrete floor outside the ring, in the direction of the man
and woman.
Woman
Stop
whining about it. Why don't you just
become a bomb DIFFUSER or something?
Panel 3
The
shrub and mustache are both landing head first on the concrete, besides one
another, right in front of the man and woman.
They look up startled. The referee is rushing out of the ring and
towards them.
Referee
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
Panel 4
The
shrub and mustache are each knocked out cold on the concrete.
Referee
11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20
Panel 5
Pull
back a bit. Shrub and mustache is still
knocked cold and looking pathetic. The
referee stands next to them and is shouting.
The crowd looks disappointed.
The old man and traveler are giving a standing ovation.
Referee
Both
competitors have been disqualified due to a twenty second count out.
Referee2
See
you all next year.